there's ten minutes left in the work day... the office is quiet, i'm the only one here. the phones have rang a few times but it's only been telemarketers, nothing interesting, just annoying. i have a job, i'm here at this job so what do i have to stress about? why can't i get my little stress meter to go back to zero? i worry about everyone around me, those i care about, but shit, if i can't take care of myself i'm no good to anyone else either. i can't figure out myself nor what i want to do... i feel like i'm still just buying time while i freak out about not knowing, well anything. i could do anything, i could try and become anything, the only catch is i have no fucking idea. the only thing i want to do right now is scream and nap... but i can't do either so i write a blog with curse words in it instead.
why do i do what i do? why is the things i like the most are one in the same with the things i hate the most? am i torturing myself because i don't feel i'm worth any more? than why do i still live as i think idealy a person should live? with basic good intentions? sure i'm a klutz, and i suck at social situations, and yeah i'm scared over things i shouldn't be and i just want to eat or somehow absorb all the pain i see in the minds and hearts of my friends and family even if it devours me whole because that is the only thing i feel i can give. it just pulls at my heart that i can't be the one that makes things better. band aids and words just can't heal some wounds. i don't know...
just this feeling in my chest feels like a black whole slowly sucking at my other organs and these days i just feel sad, sick, and tired all the time which only makes me stress out more. what happened to the rest of me? the me that draws coloring books? sure they're coloring books with headless girls and cephalopods, but still i like being cute and creepy. why haven't i made a single monster in a jar since before i moved? i also haven't drawn or painted one plaque since i moved. i just feel warn out and even though i was dating a girl for 6 months spending atleast a few nights a week together i in the end still felt i hadn't met her nor she met me leaving me feeling very alien and a bit lonely. honestly i don't understand how good things in this world just get beaten and bruised till it's black like the rest of the shit going around. oh well i guess i needed to get fed up with it. life's too short to waste on drama, and playing games. if i am the only person that enjoys my company through long nights so be it, i can take care of myself. i just wouldn't mind giving someone the world, and in return i only ask for a few smiles and company. i really have no idea what i'm saying right now, i'm terribly confused in my own head. the me i thought i was, was a person i was just pretending to be... thinking that's what i needed to be to be accepted, or to have friends, to be "normal", but the truth is i have NO IDEA who i am, or what i am. sometimes i try to figure it out by thinking about the things i know i like. i like dresses, i like getting dressed up girly, and i like kissing girls that look like boys. i act like a hormonal crazy pubescent boy when i watch movies repeatedly with girl i find exceptionally hot. mmmm, hot motorcycle girl cop, mmmmm, hot combat or security girl in fatigues, why did you have to turn into a zombie? my dog is pretty cool, i like dogs. i like kids too... and some day, and i hope not too far away i'd really like to raise one.
i think back to the first pride i went to, on saturday they have a family day like a big gay gamily picnic... and i still remember this couple i saw, the taller one was wearing i think a yellow gingham patterned 40s style house dress, with her reddish hair done in liberty rolls, she looked like a tattooed pin-up, just perfect. with her was a slightly shorter (maybe just for the lack of heels) a rather butch looking woman, a bit too scary masculine extreme for my taste, but still complimentary. she was a much bigger girl, with as many tattoos and piercings as the first, but still the complete opposite in a black grease monkey like shirt. together they were holding a small child, i think it was a baby girl. it was just so picture perfect. i was 19 at the time, and i so wanted to grow up to be like that. just that two beautiful people in their own way could just be together in their own happiness and be like that even though i feel the world is against it. as much as the world has changed, at large it still doesn't accept tattoos, piercings, gender bending clothing, and it sure as hell doesn't like queer lesbian couples with babies.
i'm just tired of who i've been. i'm tired of so much and i just want to enjoy life. which is sort of strange to me, even though i've always thought i was a free spirit type, i haven't really been. i really don't know what i am, but i did just start discovering myself. confidence, and independence these things are completely new to me.
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