there's this pressure building up in my ribcage, and on my back, in my shoulders and out my spine! it's nothing physical, there is no good reason for it, so why do i feel this horrible crisis stress mode all the time? the worst part is all i can do is sleep, or procrastinate. couldn't this energy at least push me in the right direction? nope, i just feel drained, and sick, vomit sick. puke my guts out while crying sick. worst part, it's all in my head, it's pressure i put on myself for no reason... just that i'm not happy so it just keeps snowballing. the strangest part is that i feel i am a much healthier happier person than i used to be, i know myself more and maybe it's just because i just feel fed up... with everything.
is it time to go home yet? i've been wanting to ask my dad, a.k.a. my boss for advice for weeks... but i know his plate is more full than my life crisis at 24. shouldn't i be able to just shrug it off and get drunk like everyone else my age? go to the gay bar and maybe actually hit on a girl, like most lesbians my age. nope here i am stressing, freaking out, and wanting to go out but when i do i freak out there and drink too much because i am painfully shy.... even though i show up in stiletto black heels and sleeveless dress that makes me feel like a wrapped sausage but i know that's now how i look, but i feel that way. that dress, it's a prom dress but being an "adult" i bought it just cause. since i'm an adult i can wear what i want when i want and it just so happened to be a prom dress.. that last one too.. hope no young girl had her heart set on that one, yet i still laugh on the inside because it does seam slightly evil.
just a random thought: why do i turn into a bumbling baboon when the cute neighbor walks by with her dog? my heart pounds into my throat, i feel like i'm yelling, and as if i'm watching myself act like a fool through a really long tunnel. i like being a dork, but having a little game would help me not feel like such a fool. my room mate witnessed an encounter yesterday, and laughed hystericaly at me soon as said neighbor walked away.... worst part: i still can't recall neighbors name.
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