i want a home.

hmmm, so pride weekend happened. lets just say it included some great firsts for me, and i feel more comfortable with being me. a little slightly less scared of social situations on my own... a bit more independent now.
speaking of independence, my home search is still on... i don't have a high paying job now, nor do i want to ask for more money because it is my father's business and my positions is probably expendable so... if i can take on more and keep my rate down than i feel i'm helping some. that job won't last forever though, so keeping my price point down i hope to be able to easily keep a job that will pay for my mortgage. i want to keep it at about what i'm paying right now for rent... i hate feeling like i'm throwing money away at rent paying someone else's mortgage, especially when well the place where i'm living right now is rather scary. with my new found indipendent feeling i just want to have my own home, me on my own, for myself. somewhere where i can finally set down my stuff and not have half my belongings stuffed into forgotten boxes at my parents' house while it waits for the someday i get my own place that will last longer than a year lease. i hate moving so.
i just want something small and cozy... so it's easy to care for and i can still take off to travel. i wanted to live on the road, but i wanted to take all my stuff with me... this was not such a great idea, and it leaves no room for investing really. instead of throwing money at rent it will be actually doing something, going somewhere to benefit me. i have to pay for a place to live anyways. i have some really great antique furniture pieces and i just don't want to keep moving them, each time they're moved they get damaged. as much as i like to think i'd be some great wondering soul the truth is i'm a home-body. i like staying home with a movie and a creative project.
in kansas city i lived in a little blue house, yes it was a rental, but i loved it so and i just want to recreate that here and own it so i never have to walk away from it again just for it to get town down. i want color on my walls, i like working in the yard but right now in a rental yard with my land lord it's adding stress instead of relieving it. it would just feel so good to have a sanctuary that i can come back to. i have two apps on my phone to check listings daily but it is proving difficult to find a lil' house for sale near an area i like since i am still young and well i like going to the gay bar, and i don't like driving there. actually i don't like driving so if i'm heading out i'd rather walk and take a taxi.
i thought i'd want to settle down somewhere else, but this is the only place i have family, plus i did live else where for almost 5 years and i just like everything colorado and denver has to offer because i'm honestly a dork. i like the tourist traps and i like the mountains. it would just feel so nice to have somewhere to call home. somewhere i can paint the walls, make it feel like home. when i want to make a change i can do it. when i mow the lawn it's for me, i could plant bulbs and be there long enough to watch them bloom, be able to choose when and what gets updated when it needs to. i'd love to find a just out of date little bungalow that i could work on to bring to it's cute glory. i'd also love to have a shed or detached garage to make into a little oasis studio so i can be creative and messy and be able to walk away from it for a while. i've spent my life acquiring furniture since i was 16, quality pieces, for my home... and right now i have a lot, i can't keep moving from apartment to apartment, my stuff is weighing me down. i want a home i can leave my stuff, and then just be me and one bag so i can hop on a plane and take off for a weekend and know where my bed is that i can go back to. each time i move it gets harder and harder and i just feel so tired. i just want to focus on other priorities in my life other than moving from lease to lease and worrying if i can find a place that will take my dog. i just feel worn out. i want to find a place, move in my stuff and then sleep for a week.