i don't know what this is.

here i am, again. i'm sitting at work... sitting at work to do work and guess what i'm not doing, yep, work. it's 2 hours after i could have gone home. i'm procrastinating life again. i stress out and i sit here, i sit here and i stay here. the office is quiet and home is a half hour away. my dog is staying the night at my parents since the electric company can't garantee electric service. a transformer blew up on monday and now i'm left in the dark "for an hour at a time" so they can ballance the load with the other transformers till they can get a new one on-line. i can't leave my dog is the crappy old house we live in with out ac in a heat wave, no way. so she's not there to run home to tonight so here i sit... still. i have a pile of work i need to be doing, so why can't i just do it? why can't i just do a lot of things? why do i just keep putting off life? why do i feel just scared all the time? what am i so scared of? there's nothing to worry about... i have a job, a car, a roof over my own head, so why do i still feel so lost and not motivated to even drive home. i know i put off work, and i will get in trouble after it causes trouble for someone else, and i know i go against the grain with everything for no reason at all. pick the pink cup you say, and i'll pick the blue cup even though pink is my favorite color.
there's this pressure in my chest, on the back of my shoulders and pushing against my head. i feel like i'm struggling all the time so the smallest things set me off, cause it's not just that small thing, it's everything. it is harder being here in my life since i have an unmentionable condition that changes everything acording to my parents. i'm gay. so i don't want a man to take care of me, but i guess that's what makes women happy. i want to take care of myself... oh yeah and the whole no sexual attraction thing effects it too, so here i am a lesbian. it didn't use to bother me, but now i'm a little older and my parents being double sided about it just adds stress to my life. they continue to see my homosexuality as a teenage rebellion... funny since i haven't been one in 5 years. it confuses them more that i like to look like a girl and the girls they have seen that i've dated look like boys. the worst part is i know my mom believes i'm gay because i have such low self esteem that i can't get a date with a man, so predatory gays took me in a turned me to their side. really mom? that must be why i tried to seduce my best friends, and got all my friends to make out with me in junior high, yet i'm the only one that turned out a lezbo.
i'm just stressed and everything feels like it's all on my head at once. from my life and the whole don't know what i'm doing, to pressures from the landlord, and just trying to make it so life is easier on those around me. i've never had anyone take care of me, but when i feel run down it sure would be nice to feel some sort of compassion from someone close. feel a hand on my shoulder, anything. i definitely don't want someone to take care of me, just be around. so why have i wasted so many years on people, that well, suck? oh yeah i was like now, running from myself. now i'm 24 and no closer to meeting "the one" let alone being ready to meet this "one" so here i sit... i'll force myself to do some work, and then drive home, but by then it will be late, and so i'll sleep and start it all over tomorrow. i have made a resolution to be happier with myself, and trying to actually attain that honestly with myself. i've spent to long in secret freer of what others will think. maybe growing up is just not giving a damn anymore.