crap. just crap and fuck shit, bitch. it's been a long day, it's been a long week. i was sitting with my mom trying to show her the houses i was planning on seeing tomorrow or well in 9 hours. it did not take long before i noticed that the ones i had printed yesterday, two i thought that had the most potential to be my new home are suddenly not listed. one day, one day from trying to set up the showings so i can see them in the morning and they're gone. not cool. i'm already heart broken trying to keep my head up looking for a house, trying to be optimistic, trying to convince myself it's worth the trouble but right now i just feel cursed or something. everything is crashing in around me, and i'm losing it metaphorically and physically. a lot has changed in the last week, some (not house hunt related) subjects that leave me just feeling betrayed. i can't keep doing this, i'm not a gambler and the situation i'm in now is not comfortable and only getting worse. i needed a place two months ago and this is just too much, too long, too wrong and i can't keep trying to brainwash myself. i had high hopes for tomorrow but now it will be like the others days spent out looking. my mom will be annoyed by the realtor i'm still in a contract with, in turn with also all the houses i chose for myself annoying my mother she will annoy me till my head will feel like it's exploding. everything keeps pounding in and if i say the slightest thing to show i'm annoyed or ill-mannered than i'm suddenly emotional and dramatic. my mom asked to go which i thought would be fine but now with houses i was really looking forward to being gone there's just not much to be hopeful for.
honestly right now i want to tell everything to fuck off, and burn everything i own and have a fresh start. one: i know i'd regret this and two: i know i'd regret this i enjoy my possessions and my antique furniture is a huge reason i'm looking for a home so i don't have to keep moving it around damaging it. however right now i never want to go back to that apartment.
a long week, a long day that started off to a great start with the phlebotomist trainee at my doctor's office stabbing me repeatedly and wiggling like needle around, damn that hurts i'm already FREAKED of those needles, and pin cushion treatment was no good and slightly traumatizing for me. i have great bruises now on the inside of both my elbows, and by great i mean... i really really hope something works out tomorrow i could really use it.
i like being an optimist and this whole pessimistic schtick sucks... a lot. it's not me and i feel like a walking zombie... well if walking zombies can cry.
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