i did it!

i've only done drag a few times with friends in missouri, and that was even years ago. a friend of mine whose been doing stuff around denver for years recently started her own entertainment night... and i did it. after watching the first show, and volunteering to make buttons for the second to help her raise money, i came up with the brilliant idea of what i wanted to try. with short time to practice from making all the buttons i got dressed up in all my parts and went to the bar. as predicted none of my friends showed... it was a monday night, understandable. a few people i had just met did show which made it greater. i greeted one i had only met once before and her friend who i had never met before and what a sight i must of been to them. i had on jeans to cover up the heals and nylons i was wearing under, a shirt, a vest, and a jacket to cover up the feather boa and lace that covered up the feminine curve from the corset, aviator sunglasses to cover up the fake eyelashes and eye make-up, a hat to cover up the hair i spent hours curling for the big reveal, facial hair to cover up my lack of masculine traits, and a tie to cover up... well i just like ties. i was nearly the last to perform, and the girlfriend of another girl came by me as i was waiting for my turn and said she was going to rip my beard off before the night was over, i told her to give me five minutes and i'd do it myself.
i came up with the name bo bordello last minute, and the host introduced me and for some reason as she as i am, something else comes over me when i step out like that. even though it's a small bar, the "stage" just the dance floor on the same level as everyone else, but i get like tunnel vision... probably from my social anxieties but yet i did it. i came out and raised my hands for people to keep cheering till my music started. during practice i hadn't managed to get everything off in time, so soon as it started i began stripping. i had no idea if my pants would rip off like i had wanted them to, and of coarse the didn't, and the back-up scissors were damn dull so i managed to somehow pull them off over my heals. my jacket, and tie lay behind me as i nervously kept moving forward and back unbuttoning my shirt, pulled off the lace that held the boa in place, wrapped that around my neck as i removed my sideburns, beard and glasses. thankfully a king collected and pulled my stuff over the dj station before i tripped, since i kept trying to stand on it. i was down to my bra, corset lil' black skirt, garter, thigh high retro style nylons, and black heels. the last to come off my hat as i shook out my hair so glad it kept most of the curled wave and i fished out some bobby pins. a girl i met over the weekend was sitting front row so i went to give her a lap dance and almost tripped over a table but i managed to do it leaving a pink feather on top of her head... it was still there after when she came to bring me a drink she promised me before. i don't remember any noise other than the song i had picked out, and a friend that watched said the bar was silent, in awww... i don't know... but i didn't remember hearing anything. through the rest of the acts there was a lot of conversation and people not paying attention to the show, so if they really did stop and watch me, and stop talking man that is a great compliment. after a few high fived me and said good job. this one guy came up introducing himself as straight... and he just kept saying wow. he said "when you came out as a guy and starting taking off stuff, i was concerned, i had no idea where this was going to go, but then whoa" i thanked him, and asked more about how it looked since i had trouble getting my pants off "that made it, something about starting to rip, then the scissors then just pulling them off." so i guess that seamed okay, but wow did i feel like i was clumbsy. i need to practice moves, and moving around. after i went outside where a friend was the bouncer so she didn't get to see me perform and had only seen me in the boy clothes before so when i came out with just the girly stuff left she exclaimed "now that's the kendall i know".
it's strange i wouldn't be the girly kendall she knows with out drag... the first time i tried it, i liked the way my face looked, the first time i kind of looked at myself and thought "hey i like this". my jaw i had always hated it being so square and big, but for some reason i liked it, and how it works with a fake beard. i love being tall, and embracing all that i am as a curvy woman to be a boy, or man, be masculine, yet still be so girly. i love to be the extremes. it seams a lot of people think only butch chicks do drag cause they want to be a man or something... but i own 99% skirts, more corsets than pants, and since doing drag my first time i embrace pretty much everything about myself. and after still being curvy and plump and pulling off being in front of people as naked as i was with compliments after still dressed in just that... i feel darn good about my curves. still working on losing weight for health but damn, in the mean time i can so rock this.
now i just need to figure out what i can do that's even better for next time!

i'll kick something.

just got the electrical bill, it doubled from last month and that doubled the month before that. also our rent went up from out creepy land lord that does not seam to know any laws protecting tenant from people like him. i just want to get out quietly making the least amount of wake, but this is stressing me out. i never want to move again! if i don't find a house soon to keep my belongings in, i will put all my stuff into storage and live out of a van or something. not like i'd save much to live in a studio apartment again. not that anyone means to do it but i'm feeling pressure from a lot of people in my life, plus the pressure i put on myself and i feel like an over inflated balloon that keeps hitting the ugly popcorn ceiling.
each day i go to work and it's a struggle just to make it through the day, i barely do any work, it's not helping anyone. i need a vacation, just a brake, go somewhere exploring, oh wait but i'm broke... very broke.
should i find another job? what would i even do? i don't mind my job, i like working for my dad, it's not an opportunity everyone has nor will it last much longer since he hopes to retire soon.
my hair-brain ideas and stubborn attitude landed me here with a degree i don't really care for, and with all my resources exhausted... my family tried to help me and i got ripped off by a con artist. my mom trying to help or what-not i felt pressured to fallow her lead in buying a trailer business, but it's been a nightmare ever since we brought it home and the fighting of ideas started. now it's just a big heart break, even though now it's getting a little better now that we all acknowledge we have different interests for it and more as a family we can play with it, i guess. but still it exhausted my parents for helping me.

so here i am....
my heart or that gap in my chest feels like it's squeezing, and my jaw keeps clenching and for some reason i keep thinking if i think hard enough what i want to do, or should do will dawn on me.