Monday, July 26, 2010
then and now.
for reference for my previous post. the first photo is of me now, the second from then.
i don't want that
ah well fuck. just fuck.
i've all ways been the shy loner type, a bit chubbier than i am now, but nice and polite... so how, how when you write my life down on paper it would make a damn good tv show? i don't want it to be a drama, i don't care about ratings, so how did it happen that i'm 24, single, and been through the wringer?
early high school i lost a very close friend, the kind that would show up to my house if i was there or not and hang out, like a sister, i miss her terribly. after losing her i don't know if i pushed my friends away, or if they pushed me away, but i just couldn't take the drama of those people on top of losing my friend and myself. so i took all the art classes i could, repeated a few when i ran out of photography classes, and tried to go back to my childhood one coloring book at a time and other random childish knick-knacks. i made a friend who also wasn't interested in growing up too quick and we'd go do all the dorky tourist stuff around town like museums, and the zoo. i had a few other rather awesome nerdy friends in their own way that i do still keep in touch but for the most part i don't remember high school. i was the goth chick that went through all the phases, from victorian, wore steel boned corsets to school, to cyber-goth and made rex-lace hair falls everyday before class and a microchips around my neck. I guess drama started early, because while i was dorky high school loner by day, by night i stayed down town with my cousin to get away from my drinking parents, staying up all night and fallowing to some not great places. i didn't do drugs though or drink, even though everyone around me was. even though i was practically on my own, i never did anything bad or wrong just hung around it.
then i went to art school.
i hadn't even tried to kiss anyone since my best friend in 9th grade, and there i was in college 750+ miles from my queer hating family at art school no less. needless to say i found girls more interesting and failed art history first semester. soon after hitting school and making the wrong friends again i started drinking... i remember madly crushing on one of the girls in the immediate group and she'd sleep in my bed almost nightly till one night she "borrowed" my clothes with another girl then went to a party and proceeded to fuck in my clothes before returning and coming by to grab me for breakfast as our routine was. i looked down saw her still in my clothes after being told what happened and i slapped her. a few other miscellaneous awkward sexual encounters as i felt out myself and this whole new world of girls, and being gay.
shortly after starting school, feeling my new freedom, late at night i took my truck to wal-mart bought a shaver and returned to the dorms for my first mohawk. my hair was bright pink at the roots to black and darn long, i eventually kept trimming it so i could keep a hawk up daily. as time went on, i traded in my skirts for slacks, for ratty holy jeans and t-shirts. my mohawk was always changing colors and if you couldn't tell by the way i looked chances are i'd say something outing myself in minutes.
i went to my first drag show earlier that year, pink hair, pink dress, pink shoes, and the next year i tried doing drag for the first time on stage. i had lost the crappy friends and made new really amazing friends. ones actually worth spending time with that weren't just making me miserable. while i had awesome friends, my girlfriends were anything but. when i was 19 i started dating a women 28, an alcoholic and more than once i missed school cause she took too much drugs. after the relationship began to turn more dangerouse and i caught her cheating we were through even though that night she still called me wasted and i picked her up from the lesbian bar that i coudln't even get into because she was getting kicked out and there was no way she could make it home. so i watched her kiss some other girl before we loaded her in my truck because she couldn't even take care of herself. that wasn't the end of her though. i had moved on, started dating someone closer to my age and while she was under observations for epilepsy at the hospital i came home to let the dog out and found my door unlocked. i entered to find her naked on my couch, and a guy half naked on my love seat. she had told him she lived there and had him brake in through a window and let her in, they had planned to pick up more alcohol and there was a bottle of jack in my freezer. i should have called the cops, but instead i called her parents to pick up their now 29 year old daughter from a girl who still can't go to a bar.
sadly that wasn't the only time that apartment was broken into... another girl fed me a line, and i took sympathy on her. she seamed sweet but 2 weeks later everything unraveled and she was one crazy sociopath or something. within two weeks she made up children, pregnancies, a stabbing and probably anything else that came out of her face was some sort of lie. catching her in a big one after locking my keys in my truck i waited for a locksmith with the other girl, the one with a made up child and currently pregnant with an imaginary fetus. turns out other giving a damn about the crazy girl she was pretty cool. so i had crazy girl the next day come to collect anything she had left at my place since she had moved in with out me knowing. after she left i noticed half of my clothes missing, a bottle of new cologne and other random items. i caught her once at the gas station wearing my clothes, which did look odd on her since she's half my size and height. sadly that wasn't the first time she stole from me, a few days before that i came home finding my door unlocked again and a window pushed slightly up. yep someone had been there, wasn't there now but they stole a blank check. she had a blank check from my parents for emergence, blank and you know what she bought? a free pass and she got a psp, and one game. really? okay she was not that bright.
so after them and a few other random crazies that pulled at my heart strings i gave up. i didn't want any of it and i could feel my characteristics i pride myself on fading away so i tried to be celibate for one year, i made it 10 months. ...
***stay tuned for our next episode****
i've all ways been the shy loner type, a bit chubbier than i am now, but nice and polite... so how, how when you write my life down on paper it would make a damn good tv show? i don't want it to be a drama, i don't care about ratings, so how did it happen that i'm 24, single, and been through the wringer?
early high school i lost a very close friend, the kind that would show up to my house if i was there or not and hang out, like a sister, i miss her terribly. after losing her i don't know if i pushed my friends away, or if they pushed me away, but i just couldn't take the drama of those people on top of losing my friend and myself. so i took all the art classes i could, repeated a few when i ran out of photography classes, and tried to go back to my childhood one coloring book at a time and other random childish knick-knacks. i made a friend who also wasn't interested in growing up too quick and we'd go do all the dorky tourist stuff around town like museums, and the zoo. i had a few other rather awesome nerdy friends in their own way that i do still keep in touch but for the most part i don't remember high school. i was the goth chick that went through all the phases, from victorian, wore steel boned corsets to school, to cyber-goth and made rex-lace hair falls everyday before class and a microchips around my neck. I guess drama started early, because while i was dorky high school loner by day, by night i stayed down town with my cousin to get away from my drinking parents, staying up all night and fallowing to some not great places. i didn't do drugs though or drink, even though everyone around me was. even though i was practically on my own, i never did anything bad or wrong just hung around it.
then i went to art school.
i hadn't even tried to kiss anyone since my best friend in 9th grade, and there i was in college 750+ miles from my queer hating family at art school no less. needless to say i found girls more interesting and failed art history first semester. soon after hitting school and making the wrong friends again i started drinking... i remember madly crushing on one of the girls in the immediate group and she'd sleep in my bed almost nightly till one night she "borrowed" my clothes with another girl then went to a party and proceeded to fuck in my clothes before returning and coming by to grab me for breakfast as our routine was. i looked down saw her still in my clothes after being told what happened and i slapped her. a few other miscellaneous awkward sexual encounters as i felt out myself and this whole new world of girls, and being gay.
shortly after starting school, feeling my new freedom, late at night i took my truck to wal-mart bought a shaver and returned to the dorms for my first mohawk. my hair was bright pink at the roots to black and darn long, i eventually kept trimming it so i could keep a hawk up daily. as time went on, i traded in my skirts for slacks, for ratty holy jeans and t-shirts. my mohawk was always changing colors and if you couldn't tell by the way i looked chances are i'd say something outing myself in minutes.
i went to my first drag show earlier that year, pink hair, pink dress, pink shoes, and the next year i tried doing drag for the first time on stage. i had lost the crappy friends and made new really amazing friends. ones actually worth spending time with that weren't just making me miserable. while i had awesome friends, my girlfriends were anything but. when i was 19 i started dating a women 28, an alcoholic and more than once i missed school cause she took too much drugs. after the relationship began to turn more dangerouse and i caught her cheating we were through even though that night she still called me wasted and i picked her up from the lesbian bar that i coudln't even get into because she was getting kicked out and there was no way she could make it home. so i watched her kiss some other girl before we loaded her in my truck because she couldn't even take care of herself. that wasn't the end of her though. i had moved on, started dating someone closer to my age and while she was under observations for epilepsy at the hospital i came home to let the dog out and found my door unlocked. i entered to find her naked on my couch, and a guy half naked on my love seat. she had told him she lived there and had him brake in through a window and let her in, they had planned to pick up more alcohol and there was a bottle of jack in my freezer. i should have called the cops, but instead i called her parents to pick up their now 29 year old daughter from a girl who still can't go to a bar.
sadly that wasn't the only time that apartment was broken into... another girl fed me a line, and i took sympathy on her. she seamed sweet but 2 weeks later everything unraveled and she was one crazy sociopath or something. within two weeks she made up children, pregnancies, a stabbing and probably anything else that came out of her face was some sort of lie. catching her in a big one after locking my keys in my truck i waited for a locksmith with the other girl, the one with a made up child and currently pregnant with an imaginary fetus. turns out other giving a damn about the crazy girl she was pretty cool. so i had crazy girl the next day come to collect anything she had left at my place since she had moved in with out me knowing. after she left i noticed half of my clothes missing, a bottle of new cologne and other random items. i caught her once at the gas station wearing my clothes, which did look odd on her since she's half my size and height. sadly that wasn't the first time she stole from me, a few days before that i came home finding my door unlocked again and a window pushed slightly up. yep someone had been there, wasn't there now but they stole a blank check. she had a blank check from my parents for emergence, blank and you know what she bought? a free pass and she got a psp, and one game. really? okay she was not that bright.
so after them and a few other random crazies that pulled at my heart strings i gave up. i didn't want any of it and i could feel my characteristics i pride myself on fading away so i tried to be celibate for one year, i made it 10 months. ...
***stay tuned for our next episode****
Saturday, July 17, 2010
summer night
it's hot. the fan is running and i'm laying stretched out on my bed. it's saturday night and i barely put jeans on, i'm not going anywhere. shame, since i forgot about the zombie social that already started some time ago... i thought i missed it a week ago, o well that's what i get for losing track of time. i took a long nap today... i needed it on top of sleeping in late. i fell asleep so peacefully last night with my sheet draped over me and curled up with someone sweet. i just wanted to stay up all night talking, looking at her face, but it's been a few nights of little sleep and my eyelids were just too heavy. after dropping her off i came back to my bed and finished a movie i started the day before... i barely made it through the movie before i fell asleep again, hard. i was out, i think i drooled. i didn't even manage to turn off my light. so there went the day, i didn't even wake up with enough time to ride my bike today. i've had it now for 2 days, i can't believe it's been so long since i rode one. it took a second of hesitation but then i was good, peddling up and down the alley way cautiously crossing the streets to the next alley before building up confidence to start circling blocks leading out from my house till it got too dark and i didn't have a battery for my light so i had to return home. i downed some juice and stripped off my clothes, summer heat.
oh i just remembered i was going to try and see a friend when she gets off work. guess it's time to shake off the heat, throw on a summer dress and head out the door.
oh i just remembered i was going to try and see a friend when she gets off work. guess it's time to shake off the heat, throw on a summer dress and head out the door.
Monday, July 5, 2010
cpt. bad decisions
i talk, words come out... i'm sinking in my own sea of tangled sentences trying to get out how i feel but i just end up drowning. i get emotional and my mouth runs away, i get confused and flustered and i stop listening to what i'm saying until after the damage has been done. word vomit, all over the place. i try to go back, but i've already made things too confusing so when i've finished thinking and straightening my thoughts out over what i just said the truth comes out and it just sinks and gets lost under everything else i've already spewed. i don't, i just really don't know, what i want, who i am, or what i should do trying not to repeat mistakes. i don't, i don't want to repeat mistakes so why can't i just wise up? i've been the same person for so long, stuck in the same train of reacting to situations. i freak out, and i flounder, i feel like i'm always on the defensive, that i'm under attack any time i feel emotional. then i respond poorly and feel like a fool all over again. i'm just a dork, i can't seam to get a handle on this whole social interaction thing but i really do have the best intentions. i try to poor that out into the world, and anyone around me, but it seams all i find are rose bushes... pretty but painfully sharp if you try to touch.
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