in short

i don't want this to just be another ranting blog, but as far as i know, no one reads this, i don't... i just type.
but.... right now i just want to say:
FUCK! fuck. fUCK. fuck you. fuck me. F*ck

it's all in my head

there's ten minutes left in the work day... the office is quiet, i'm the only one here. the phones have rang a few times but it's only been telemarketers, nothing interesting, just annoying. i have a job, i'm here at this job so what do i have to stress about? why can't i get my little stress meter to go back to zero? i worry about everyone around me, those i care about, but shit, if i can't take care of myself i'm no good to anyone else either. i can't figure out myself nor what i want to do... i feel like i'm still just buying time while i freak out about not knowing, well anything. i could do anything, i could try and become anything, the only catch is i have no fucking idea. the only thing i want to do right now is scream and nap... but i can't do either so i write a blog with curse words in it instead.
why do i do what i do? why is the things i like the most are one in the same with the things i hate the most? am i torturing myself because i don't feel i'm worth any more? than why do i still live as i think idealy a person should live? with basic good intentions? sure i'm a klutz, and i suck at social situations, and yeah i'm scared over things i shouldn't be and i just want to eat or somehow absorb all the pain i see in the minds and hearts of my friends and family even if it devours me whole because that is the only thing i feel i can give. it just pulls at my heart that i can't be the one that makes things better. band aids and words just can't heal some wounds. i don't know...
just this feeling in my chest feels like a black whole slowly sucking at my other organs and these days i just feel sad, sick, and tired all the time which only makes me stress out more. what happened to the rest of me? the me that draws coloring books? sure they're coloring books with headless girls and cephalopods, but still i like being cute and creepy. why haven't i made a single monster in a jar since before i moved? i also haven't drawn or painted one plaque since i moved. i just feel warn out and even though i was dating a girl for 6 months spending atleast a few nights a week together i in the end still felt i hadn't met her nor she met me leaving me feeling very alien and a bit lonely. honestly i don't understand how good things in this world just get beaten and bruised till it's black like the rest of the shit going around. oh well i guess i needed to get fed up with it. life's too short to waste on drama, and playing games. if i am the only person that enjoys my company through long nights so be it, i can take care of myself. i just wouldn't mind giving someone the world, and in return i only ask for a few smiles and company. i really have no idea what i'm saying right now, i'm terribly confused in my own head. the me i thought i was, was a person i was just pretending to be... thinking that's what i needed to be to be accepted, or to have friends, to be "normal", but the truth is i have NO IDEA who i am, or what i am. sometimes i try to figure it out by thinking about the things i know i like. i like dresses, i like getting dressed up girly, and i like kissing girls that look like boys. i act like a hormonal crazy pubescent boy when i watch movies repeatedly with girl i find exceptionally hot. mmmm, hot motorcycle girl cop, mmmmm, hot combat or security girl in fatigues, why did you have to turn into a zombie? my dog is pretty cool, i like dogs. i like kids too... and some day, and i hope not too far away i'd really like to raise one.
i think back to the first pride i went to, on saturday they have a family day like a big gay gamily picnic... and i still remember this couple i saw, the taller one was wearing i think a yellow gingham patterned 40s style house dress, with her reddish hair done in liberty rolls, she looked like a tattooed pin-up, just perfect. with her was a slightly shorter (maybe just for the lack of heels) a rather butch looking woman, a bit too scary masculine extreme for my taste, but still complimentary. she was a much bigger girl, with as many tattoos and piercings as the first, but still the complete opposite in a black grease monkey like shirt. together they were holding a small child, i think it was a baby girl. it was just so picture perfect. i was 19 at the time, and i so wanted to grow up to be like that. just that two beautiful people in their own way could just be together in their own happiness and be like that even though i feel the world is against it. as much as the world has changed, at large it still doesn't accept tattoos, piercings, gender bending clothing, and it sure as hell doesn't like queer lesbian couples with babies.
i'm just tired of who i've been. i'm tired of so much and i just want to enjoy life. which is sort of strange to me, even though i've always thought i was a free spirit type, i haven't really been. i really don't know what i am, but i did just start discovering myself. confidence, and independence these things are completely new to me.

i want a home.

hmmm, so pride weekend happened. lets just say it included some great firsts for me, and i feel more comfortable with being me. a little slightly less scared of social situations on my own... a bit more independent now.
speaking of independence, my home search is still on... i don't have a high paying job now, nor do i want to ask for more money because it is my father's business and my positions is probably expendable so... if i can take on more and keep my rate down than i feel i'm helping some. that job won't last forever though, so keeping my price point down i hope to be able to easily keep a job that will pay for my mortgage. i want to keep it at about what i'm paying right now for rent... i hate feeling like i'm throwing money away at rent paying someone else's mortgage, especially when well the place where i'm living right now is rather scary. with my new found indipendent feeling i just want to have my own home, me on my own, for myself. somewhere where i can finally set down my stuff and not have half my belongings stuffed into forgotten boxes at my parents' house while it waits for the someday i get my own place that will last longer than a year lease. i hate moving so.
i just want something small and cozy... so it's easy to care for and i can still take off to travel. i wanted to live on the road, but i wanted to take all my stuff with me... this was not such a great idea, and it leaves no room for investing really. instead of throwing money at rent it will be actually doing something, going somewhere to benefit me. i have to pay for a place to live anyways. i have some really great antique furniture pieces and i just don't want to keep moving them, each time they're moved they get damaged. as much as i like to think i'd be some great wondering soul the truth is i'm a home-body. i like staying home with a movie and a creative project.
in kansas city i lived in a little blue house, yes it was a rental, but i loved it so and i just want to recreate that here and own it so i never have to walk away from it again just for it to get town down. i want color on my walls, i like working in the yard but right now in a rental yard with my land lord it's adding stress instead of relieving it. it would just feel so good to have a sanctuary that i can come back to. i have two apps on my phone to check listings daily but it is proving difficult to find a lil' house for sale near an area i like since i am still young and well i like going to the gay bar, and i don't like driving there. actually i don't like driving so if i'm heading out i'd rather walk and take a taxi.
i thought i'd want to settle down somewhere else, but this is the only place i have family, plus i did live else where for almost 5 years and i just like everything colorado and denver has to offer because i'm honestly a dork. i like the tourist traps and i like the mountains. it would just feel so nice to have somewhere to call home. somewhere i can paint the walls, make it feel like home. when i want to make a change i can do it. when i mow the lawn it's for me, i could plant bulbs and be there long enough to watch them bloom, be able to choose when and what gets updated when it needs to. i'd love to find a just out of date little bungalow that i could work on to bring to it's cute glory. i'd also love to have a shed or detached garage to make into a little oasis studio so i can be creative and messy and be able to walk away from it for a while. i've spent my life acquiring furniture since i was 16, quality pieces, for my home... and right now i have a lot, i can't keep moving from apartment to apartment, my stuff is weighing me down. i want a home i can leave my stuff, and then just be me and one bag so i can hop on a plane and take off for a weekend and know where my bed is that i can go back to. each time i move it gets harder and harder and i just feel so tired. i just want to focus on other priorities in my life other than moving from lease to lease and worrying if i can find a place that will take my dog. i just feel worn out. i want to find a place, move in my stuff and then sleep for a week.

ummm...

I don't know where I am. I've nwell till last night.
ever home home with someone I didn't know...
Fyi it was holy hotttttttttt femme on femme. she said I should wait for her.... um what else would I do? this bed is comfy. um... where is my

beer queer

it's friday of pride weekend.... what to do, what to do... sunday is also father's day. hmpf. sooo going out after work to be a girl and see if i can pick up anything cute and quick to go out in tonight.

tumble tied and twisted tummy.

my cheeks are flushed and red hot. i think even my nose is still blushing. the slightest bit of attention, someone trying to help me and i almost pass out. just call me queen nerd. it's pride weekend, lets just hope i can keep my nerves under control when there's a drink in my hand... whiskey and diet goes quickly from friend to foe if i start to freak in my own head and start chugging.
my nerves have been standing on end all week, and i sure am lacking in sleep, putting everything in my skin and under on edge.

AAaAaaaAaAaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, ah!

there's this pressure building up in my ribcage, and on my back, in my shoulders and out my spine! it's nothing physical, there is no good reason for it, so why do i feel this horrible crisis stress mode all the time? the worst part is all i can do is sleep, or procrastinate. couldn't this energy at least push me in the right direction? nope, i just feel drained, and sick, vomit sick. puke my guts out while crying sick. worst part, it's all in my head, it's pressure i put on myself for no reason... just that i'm not happy so it just keeps snowballing. the strangest part is that i feel i am a much healthier happier person than i used to be, i know myself more and maybe it's just because i just feel fed up... with everything.
is it time to go home yet? i've been wanting to ask my dad, a.k.a. my boss for advice for weeks... but i know his plate is more full than my life crisis at 24. shouldn't i be able to just shrug it off and get drunk like everyone else my age? go to the gay bar and maybe actually hit on a girl, like most lesbians my age. nope here i am stressing, freaking out, and wanting to go out but when i do i freak out there and drink too much because i am painfully shy.... even though i show up in stiletto black heels and sleeveless dress that makes me feel like a wrapped sausage but i know that's now how i look, but i feel that way. that dress, it's a prom dress but being an "adult" i bought it just cause. since i'm an adult i can wear what i want when i want and it just so happened to be a prom dress.. that last one too.. hope no young girl had her heart set on that one, yet i still laugh on the inside because it does seam slightly evil.

just a random thought: why do i turn into a bumbling baboon when the cute neighbor walks by with her dog? my heart pounds into my throat, i feel like i'm yelling, and as if i'm watching myself act like a fool through a really long tunnel. i like being a dork, but having a little game would help me not feel like such a fool. my room mate witnessed an encounter yesterday, and laughed hystericaly at me soon as said neighbor walked away.... worst part: i still can't recall neighbors name.

tea pot boil over

called my mom, i'm thinking of buying my first home... just something small for about the same amount my room mate and i are paying in rent. i've already talked to a few mortgage people and pre-qualified for a loan so i know my price range and what i can do with my budget. soon as i said anything to my mother she laughed at me. how nice.....
i've been doing my research, and thinking this through logically, but i have a bad track record with rash decisions. i'm 24 and have a limited budget like most my age and i'd just like to have home with out a creepy land lord or moving every year. i don't feel i need to travel to find myself anymore because i realize no matter where i go, i'll be there. no matter where there will be people, things to do, and everything i can find right here or different versions... here i have family and i kind of like being able to visit them every few weeks. i'd just really like to have a home i can come back to. i want to travel just as much as ever but as much as i hate to admit it thinking it would make me less cool inside my own head, i like nesting. having a home, staying in one place. a constant. that's why i wanted to have trailer or mobile home of sorts and travel with all my stuff... but i have a lot of stuff, and it's good stuff too! plus honestly if i'm in a place longer than a week i miss being in an area i know. i can take a bed with me in a trailer, which is a nice idea but when i think it out i like not changing more. trips would be fun. but with a home i'd at least be paying towards something than just throwing money down the drain on rent. plus i could finally paint my walls! i dream of wall colors, and living in a creative home, that's what i really dream of. i'm a huge dork that just wants a home. so now to raise a down payment... since all my mom did was laugh at me. that stung. normally things that she does don't, but ow... the first time i'm actually thinking about life in a mature way and i got laughed at.

wake up alarmed

two in the morning & I woke up to repeated doorbell ringing & door knocking. its 2am! & this is very odd... a night or so ago I was woken by a drunk man yelling, silent, yelling, cops, yelling so it just left me unsettled so tonight it just scared me. it's summer I was sleeping with my window open so I slowly emerged from bed shutting it silently as possible, locking it & lower the blind. I didn't want someone trying to het in for whatever reason to see it as a contact or access point. I then slowly opened my door after grabbing my phone thinking maybe just a drunk neighbor cause anyone I know would call me right? but who would, my roommate is home. I peek in the kitchen where we have uncovered Windows & slowly creep to the front door looking back to lovely French doors to the backyard incase a full sized person was peering in from there, nothing. still nothing by the time I made it to the front window & peeked out scanning the front. I game back to bed bit it was just weird, it went on for so long, why? & how did it end? my heart was thumping a bit I'm my chest but I had my phone... how was I going to use that for protection anyways? throw it? calling in an emergency doesn't do much good if someone is there to hurt you betore response time... then again I doubt someone there to cause real harm would ring ring ring, knock pound knock, & repeat for as long as this was happening. well its been quiet for the last half hour maybe I can open my window again, besides if someone really wants our attention my roommate's window would be the first they find going around the house & through the house, unless they like to brave q giant rose bush.

i don't know what this is.

here i am, again. i'm sitting at work... sitting at work to do work and guess what i'm not doing, yep, work. it's 2 hours after i could have gone home. i'm procrastinating life again. i stress out and i sit here, i sit here and i stay here. the office is quiet and home is a half hour away. my dog is staying the night at my parents since the electric company can't garantee electric service. a transformer blew up on monday and now i'm left in the dark "for an hour at a time" so they can ballance the load with the other transformers till they can get a new one on-line. i can't leave my dog is the crappy old house we live in with out ac in a heat wave, no way. so she's not there to run home to tonight so here i sit... still. i have a pile of work i need to be doing, so why can't i just do it? why can't i just do a lot of things? why do i just keep putting off life? why do i feel just scared all the time? what am i so scared of? there's nothing to worry about... i have a job, a car, a roof over my own head, so why do i still feel so lost and not motivated to even drive home. i know i put off work, and i will get in trouble after it causes trouble for someone else, and i know i go against the grain with everything for no reason at all. pick the pink cup you say, and i'll pick the blue cup even though pink is my favorite color.
there's this pressure in my chest, on the back of my shoulders and pushing against my head. i feel like i'm struggling all the time so the smallest things set me off, cause it's not just that small thing, it's everything. it is harder being here in my life since i have an unmentionable condition that changes everything acording to my parents. i'm gay. so i don't want a man to take care of me, but i guess that's what makes women happy. i want to take care of myself... oh yeah and the whole no sexual attraction thing effects it too, so here i am a lesbian. it didn't use to bother me, but now i'm a little older and my parents being double sided about it just adds stress to my life. they continue to see my homosexuality as a teenage rebellion... funny since i haven't been one in 5 years. it confuses them more that i like to look like a girl and the girls they have seen that i've dated look like boys. the worst part is i know my mom believes i'm gay because i have such low self esteem that i can't get a date with a man, so predatory gays took me in a turned me to their side. really mom? that must be why i tried to seduce my best friends, and got all my friends to make out with me in junior high, yet i'm the only one that turned out a lezbo.
i'm just stressed and everything feels like it's all on my head at once. from my life and the whole don't know what i'm doing, to pressures from the landlord, and just trying to make it so life is easier on those around me. i've never had anyone take care of me, but when i feel run down it sure would be nice to feel some sort of compassion from someone close. feel a hand on my shoulder, anything. i definitely don't want someone to take care of me, just be around. so why have i wasted so many years on people, that well, suck? oh yeah i was like now, running from myself. now i'm 24 and no closer to meeting "the one" let alone being ready to meet this "one" so here i sit... i'll force myself to do some work, and then drive home, but by then it will be late, and so i'll sleep and start it all over tomorrow. i have made a resolution to be happier with myself, and trying to actually attain that honestly with myself. i've spent to long in secret freer of what others will think. maybe growing up is just not giving a damn anymore.

question #1

do you ever feel like you are choking on your own insides?
that there is no bottom to the pit in your stomach or that your chest is collapsing in on itself? that maybe the skin on your back is going to jump off and do a dance? or the hairs that cover your limbs stand up on end and gossip with each other?

my skin feels jittery

it may be all the coffee i've had today, but my skin feels jittery, like it could squiggle off my bones. it's summer and i'm excited to work on the yard so my room mate has a surprise to come back to after vacation. i don't want to continue to sit inside at work. my stomach tried to leap out my throat early and my heart began to race only minutes after i arrived at the office. why am i such a dork that i fall instantly smitten with any girl i find attractive in 10 feet of me, but can't get out a single word. now all i want to do at work is order sandwiches to be delivered since she's a delivery driver. similar to the time the fed ex delivery guy was training a new driver, and i showed up before the pick up or deliveries to see if she ever came back, i went through a whole summer like that, she never did.
this morning, it took a few hours to go by for my stomach to settle and for me to grow hungry enough to eat my sandwich sample and by then i was talking to my room mate via messages as she waits for her plane about all she's missed in the last week and then instead of my stomach flying out of my mouth it was trying to stink and hide into my lower intestines, while also my chest is trying to jump out like a scene for that alien movie. i feel pulled in thirty different directions. i exchanged number with someone i could not remember the next day, and with a 47 year old lesbian. nothing against her but me... i'm a kid, i have no idea what i'm doing with life and that just sounds like a bad idea for everyone involved.

an introduction (kind of)

i guess there should be an introduction, i'm your average lets say lipstick dyke that graduated art school has a dog, drives a truck and has no idea what she's doing or where she's going. like i said i graduated art school, yep i have a bachelors in graphic design and i'm not using it. i work at my dad's company after a realization after graduating i's rather debate shooting myself in the foot than work at a design firm. so i moved back to my home state and about the same time my dad needed someone and i thought it was a great way to buy time. flash, it's a year and a half later and i've moved again, still down town a half hour from work but i've been here long enough to live in two places date two girls and sleep with four. the last six months, i was buying time again, and dating someone there just wasn't that extra spark, a shame cause she is really nice but i'm not ready or it wasn't ready or well it just didn't work, we should of just been friends but here it is and i still have no idea what i'm doing. i tried to start a business right after moving here, but after getting ripped off for 11 grand by a con artist i was more heart broken than by any of the previous girls mentioned. i ended up buying an already established vinyl business vs. the mobile cafe i was trying to start and so that business with all its half busted equipment sits in my parents side yard. it's a vendor trailer for custom graphics i want to travel the country with but i still can't seam to get that fire back to work on it and start it when all i want to do with my spare time is sleep. i'm still running on lack of sleep so i don't have enough spare time, or too much i'm not sure.
oh, lets get back to the introduction, recap: i'm 24, graduated, gay, i have this bad habit of being compulsively obsessive i made 5 hula hoops last night, and i still have 5 unfinished sea monsters in jars i was making not including the ones i sculpted but hadn't even painted yet. i like being creative but the whole fallow through making it a career i'm still lacking on, or being able to part with what i've made even though people want to buy them, but that's not that entertaining you can look at that stuff on my site www.theclowndoll.com (and even on there right now it's only some drawings i've made into coloring books and my etsy account has been empty for months.)
that's a little about me and more.