cpt. bad decisions

i talk, words come out... i'm sinking in my own sea of tangled sentences trying to get out how i feel but i just end up drowning. i get emotional and my mouth runs away, i get confused and flustered and i stop listening to what i'm saying until after the damage has been done. word vomit, all over the place. i try to go back, but i've already made things too confusing so when i've finished thinking and straightening my thoughts out over what i just said the truth comes out and it just sinks and gets lost under everything else i've already spewed. i don't, i just really don't know, what i want, who i am, or what i should do trying not to repeat mistakes. i don't, i don't want to repeat mistakes so why can't i just wise up? i've been the same person for so long, stuck in the same train of reacting to situations. i freak out, and i flounder, i feel like i'm always on the defensive, that i'm under attack any time i feel emotional. then i respond poorly and feel like a fool all over again. i'm just a dork, i can't seam to get a handle on this whole social interaction thing but i really do have the best intentions. i try to poor that out into the world, and anyone around me, but it seams all i find are rose bushes... pretty but painfully sharp if you try to touch.