i don't even know where to begin. it's after 4am and i'm awake, guess that's a place to start. the days aren't long enough so i steal time from sleep, but then i pass out soon as i lay down with all the lights on. i think i'm not so secretly screwing myself at work because i hate it but i need the money. i need a kick in my ass and a new job. something that i can be happy to put time in. i feel like i'm too busy treading water in the middle of a body of water i can't make it to the edge and my head keeps dipping down.i try to focus on the good things, there are things i super enjoy in my life right now, i just really wish i had more time to invest in them. wish i could afford to give performing and promoting my full attention and completely sink in... but living costs too damn much.
i keep finding myself hating everything, getting upset, and then that eats out of my good times too because if i am trying to enjoy myself i'm stressing too much about how i'm stabbing myself in the foot at work and then i keep doing it.
worst part is i'm not happy where i am, but i still have no real idea where i'd want to be, what i should be doing so there i'm that bobbing head out in the middle of the lake that's taking on water. i keep flashing my eyes to oposite ends of the shore, what edge could be closest? but i've spent too much time deciding which way to go that my head falls under the water once again and the stress sky rockets as i pop back out even more confused of what i should do.
i constantly have two parts inside me, running in complete directions, hitting each other on
the head, around the abdomen and yelling. i wish these two parts could agree on something. cause my constant impulses to do two things at once is wearing me out. one side wants to give up, that's it, go free, run away see what happens, pack my trunk of costumes and props and take off! then the other part is in constant stress of bills, and everything else that's goes with the real world like doctor appointments, vet appointments and the pills my dog has to take twice a day, as well as bills, and anything else it can think to worry about it will. that part wants to lady down, take a nap, cuddle, get some good down time while the other wants to go out, make out, see how late we all can stay up and then get inspired and get lost for hours creating something. this is the part that also wins out when i'm at work and should be working but it won't stop thinking about other creative projects in my life so i keep grabbing pieces of paper and pens while blowing off real work. the fact i'm allowing this to happen, i'm the one doing it and falling behind i think is a clue i'm very slowly and loudly sabotaging myself. maybe that part feels if i have nothing to lose it will win, but it doesn't know that it also takes money to do what i like to do... and i sure as hell don't like living too cheap.
oh ef' it. i'm alive so nothing is that wrong, i just feel annoyed and need a direction to jump... which i'd do if i only could have an idea of which way to jump... so i'll close this with
solo chick, and blood well she's just damn hot and that sure would brighten my day if she'd show up on my door step.
i feel beat up, i feel ragged and but i feel good and excited at the same time, so hot chick... that's similar to that in photo form.
photos by scott chalmers, check him out.
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