random

i just want to type, i just want to feel the words roll around in my head between my ears down my arms and out my fingertips.

i have been feeling under pressure and stressed to my maximum... i'm trying to hold it in, hold it together but if i lose this home, i'm going to lose it. not that it's a bad thing, just something else to try. i don't know how i'll do it, or if i can manage to rip my own possesions out of my own grubby hands and sell all i own so i can fit into a trailer, and travel, move, something. i really want a home base, some where to come back to but right now i'm feeling desprate and i just want to get out, be abnormal, honestly i don't know what the fuck i'm doing.

i listened to words roll of her tongue tonight, one after another triggering my own thoughts and memmories in my head i had burried long ago. there they were, similar encounters sparking, synapses firing, and i understood something else. i wanted to cuddle, cry, hug or jump off a cliff... i was facing a reaction i wasn't expecting... so i just kept driving. i wanted blurt out everything, anything, and all, but i have gaurds up against feeling like i'm a downer, no one wants to hear my sob stories but listening to those words filter through her teeth and lips and filling the interior of my truck with their thick meanings... my script was broken... i have stories i've said before, i'll say again, they're like rehearsed... but damn it there i was sitting there... completely out of my element and wanting to explode. i didn't. i'm not sure why, maybe it's because she said people had told her they had told her things no one else had before. i don't want to be another on a list so i kept my mouth shut. i'm not ready to let those things out anyways... maybe i can't maybe i'm not ready to really think about the non-rehearsed memories of my life. when her words match so closely to my own one memory would rush in to soon be replaced by another and then another, bam, bam, BAM!! one after another flooding in, if i let myself think about it i'll cry. maybe i am just a baby, maybe i do just want a hug... but for now i kept it at bay... and like an idiot just said "long story short" and skipped over everything summing up in a few words to just get something out move on and try to let her know, i've felt some of those things too.

it's true, life sucks... sometimes, but not always and even if it has always in the past this does not mean that it has to continue no matter what pattern has fallen before. if i can learn and improve as much as i have, i have faith that anyone can surpass my own growth.

listening i drove us up, where it suddenly became winter and then trudged the snow in my synthetic shoes, i thought i gave myself frost bite. as close to my favorite spot as i felt i could safely go a shooting star caught my eye. i have no idea when the last time i had spotted one and it made everything okay. the pressure i've been feeling, everything it's only temporary. it may feel that it sucks now, but there is so much beauty and things to see out there, how could i not feel my heart warm and pick up a little? the star shot right over her head. i stared at the still stars twinkling as my jaw hurt from the cold and my toes went numb. the moon shone bright and reflected off the thin blanketing of snow making the mini-valley and mountain sides of so beautiful. it was dark, a few lights shown motionless through windows randomly through the town making it feel fake, like the set up on the side of a model railroad in your grandfather's basement.

i haven't written in i don't even know how long. i just wanted to numb everything out, i don't think about a lot these days... i just keep going always trying to get enough sleep. i haven't even thought about writing about thinking about recording yet here is something... it's not much, could be compared to taking an ice pick and picking away at that large block o ice. good luck by the way and sweet dreams.

random inspirations

some random completely random inspirations i've found... just pictures i've grabbed from the net... some from other blogs that didn't include information on where they came from.... so here's just some random images i love while working on figuring out how to make a living room and home studio work together in a 11 by 16 foot room that losses space to a wide arch to the "dining" (i'm planning to make it my bar/lounge area) room, front door and open arch way the mini hall that leads to bed bath closet.
i love small spaces from the challenge of fitting all i need in there and making it look nice... so here's some of my inspirations.

too cute not to be mentioned.

this victorian cottage oriniginally caught my eye in a home magazine i picked up, and it was also a new york times home and garden article by joyce wadler. it's a tiny shabby chic retreat that just these images fill m with day dreams. so lovely, well done sandra foster.

how cute would these make any kitchen? the fridge comes from baumatic in a variety of colors to let your imagination run wild. retro style, but contemporary convenience.
the stove is a refurbished retro stove from antique glass stoves (http://www.antiquegasstoves.com) who find old stoves and re-finish theme to look like new in a variety of colors, so great i could drool over these for days. i won't need appliances for awhile (i'm hoping) but someday these would just be too cute in the little 1950's place i found.

oh yes. i feel like i'm back

okay stress was getting to me a little to say the least last night, but i pulled my self out of bed this morning and to my realtor's. we went to my top pick that i was trying to get too hopeful over just seeing photographs on the internet, but it sounded perfect... and it was. it was actually next door to the converted mansion where i was trying to buy my condo. so it's still in the area i have fallen for which is so great for location to fun, family, amenities, and the lake to walk my dog is still only a half block away. i held my breath as we quickly ran back to my realtor's home office to fill out the offer. the listing agent is the owner and by the time she was dropping me off we had a counter offer! not wanting to risk someone else grabbing it i accepted the counter and now i'm under contract again!

i loved the condo in the converted mansion, but there was no way i could get a loan for it, just bad timing with foreclosures and other owners wanting to sell. so this places is different, it has it's own list of pros and cons in comparison but it will be great. i really hope 3rd try is the charm, but just in case i do have some back-ups already picked out so i don't have to start from scratch again. i wanted to of been moved by two months ago so right now i just want into a place as fast as i can. this place is double the price of the last one, but it has its own yard, garage and is just re-done so cute, no work needed on this one. no room set for a studio now, but i think i can carve out a space with some room dividers.

i just feel so much better today compared to yesterday, i was literally losing it. i would have started hitting people with sticks if i had a stick close. this one should work out just fine for me and i'm kind of scared to get excited about it since i thought the last one was such a shoe-in for a done deal and then lost it to not fault from my side so i worry. i'm trying to feel better about it, more optimistic but i will be so cautious till i walk into that room, close and walk out with my new keys. at that point i may faint from relief if possible or jump 10 feet in the air screeching YIPPIE! we'll see. i'm feeling kind of scared right now, but as far as we can tell it should work out. today everyone gave us quick responses, and i was able to get all my questions answered, get an offer together, submit and am now under contract in a day where in the past it's taken days for the sellers to respond so i just hope that is a sign of how the rest of it will work out and it will go smoothly. i kind of feel like i'm splitting at the seems. wish me luck, cross your fingers. this time though i have found some back-ups so i'm just prepared for the worst now, after the last two fails, i don't want to just feel so out and lost again. oh do i hope this one works out, it is such an adorable little townhouse-esque condo in a u-shaped small building so there is a small courtyard built in 1951. eep.

no good.

crap. just crap and fuck shit, bitch. it's been a long day, it's been a long week. i was sitting with my mom trying to show her the houses i was planning on seeing tomorrow or well in 9 hours. it did not take long before i noticed that the ones i had printed yesterday, two i thought that had the most potential to be my new home are suddenly not listed. one day, one day from trying to set up the showings so i can see them in the morning and they're gone. not cool. i'm already heart broken trying to keep my head up looking for a house, trying to be optimistic, trying to convince myself it's worth the trouble but right now i just feel cursed or something. everything is crashing in around me, and i'm losing it metaphorically and physically. a lot has changed in the last week, some (not house hunt related) subjects that leave me just feeling betrayed. i can't keep doing this, i'm not a gambler and the situation i'm in now is not comfortable and only getting worse. i needed a place two months ago and this is just too much, too long, too wrong and i can't keep trying to brainwash myself. i had high hopes for tomorrow but now it will be like the others days spent out looking. my mom will be annoyed by the realtor i'm still in a contract with, in turn with also all the houses i chose for myself annoying my mother she will annoy me till my head will feel like it's exploding. everything keeps pounding in and if i say the slightest thing to show i'm annoyed or ill-mannered than i'm suddenly emotional and dramatic. my mom asked to go which i thought would be fine but now with houses i was really looking forward to being gone there's just not much to be hopeful for.

honestly right now i want to tell everything to fuck off, and burn everything i own and have a fresh start. one: i know i'd regret this and two: i know i'd regret this i enjoy my possessions and my antique furniture is a huge reason i'm looking for a home so i don't have to keep moving it around damaging it. however right now i never want to go back to that apartment.

a long week, a long day that started off to a great start with the phlebotomist trainee at my doctor's office stabbing me repeatedly and wiggling like needle around, damn that hurts i'm already FREAKED of those needles, and pin cushion treatment was no good and slightly traumatizing for me. i have great bruises now on the inside of both my elbows, and by great i mean... i really really hope something works out tomorrow i could really use it.

i like being an optimist and this whole pessimistic schtick sucks... a lot. it's not me and i feel like a walking zombie... well if walking zombies can cry.

tired

i lost the condo. my condo. what would have been my home in one week, gone. one of the others went into forclosure and with only units total, no bank would then give me a loan. well i'm still pre-approved so now i start over.... again. i'm sad, mad, tired, upset, worn down by the whole process. my down payment money has been drained now by inspections, de/re-winterization fee, earnest money, etc. payments. now i've paid out my money with nothing to show for it. i'm pissed honestly, just pissed, and so tired.

where i'm living now, lets just say i'm uncomfortable, and it's not just from the cracking lead paint and the house splitting and falling apart, nor the non-working toilet i've had for months... nor the unsafe back door and stairs falling off, no railings, no... well okay long list. this place is making me sick, stressing me out which does not help my immune system. it's no healthy but i have no where else to go till i find a place.

i'm just tired, that spark of optimism is faded... the whole notion thinking that house hunting would be fun, ha! i learned i hate it. it's no fun when it's for yourself, your home and money is on the line, and you wait with most of it out of your control. it sucks. it was fun when my parents were looking for a place, and sure i'm curious and like open houses, and love to think of potential of places and decorating, but this is eating away at me. i'm so tired. my room mate and others around me trying to cheer me on say "it wasn't meant to be" or "you'll find something better" which both statements are true but right now it's hard to not just shrug them off and focus on the unfortunate events as of late.

i will however pick my head back up. i still really want a town house, maybe now i'll find one... i've tried to buy a house, and a condo both fell through... maybe a townhouse will be that third time the charm deal. i guess we'll see, for now i'm bummed, major bummed. so i need to kick my own ass, make a new list of places, grab a bottle of advil and set a day to go look at as many places as i can in one day.

since the condo fell through from no fault of mine, i did cheer myself up a bit with some goodies off etsy. i'm selling my coloring books on there again, or atleast trying... but for now i bought some goodies i hope to see soon. i also bought some supplies to make some stuff to sell before the holidays. that is fun, it cheers me up, and distracts me. than again my creative hobbies is a major reason i want to find a place already so i can set up a full time studio for myself. hmpf. oh well. soon... soon.

cheap trick: fancy fascinator

i like fancy mini hats, fascinators, and retro glam looks, but i'm strapped for cash, and i don't have room to store a lot of accessories so here's my cheap trick.


first: you need millinery netting, also known as hat netting. try googling millinery shops, bridal shops or the internet to find this. chances are your basic hobby store does not carry it. i've found 3/4 yard works best to use as a birdcage veil (around the front of your face covering your eye) as well as pinching and playing with it for different styles.

when you get your cut piece of netting, it will be flat, maybe have some distortion from wrapping around the bolt, you can just lay it flat under a little weight to flatten it out, but i haven't had much problem re-shaping it while pinning it to my head.

now to position and attach the netting simple bobby pins work best. bobby pins are so useful! you can set pin curls with them, style your hair in victory (or barrel) rolls, and so much more. i love these little things.

best way to shape your veil is to start at on of the corners and pinch-fold it with your fingers inward and up to the opposite long side about 4-6 inches in depending on desired shape. after you have it pinched just take one bobby pin and open it and slip the veil in so it will hold the place of your fingers, like pinning your hair so it won't slip. repeat to the other edge of the veil from the bottom long edge and pinch in and up to the top, so you have mirror sides, similar to a trapezoid. you can play and re-position the veil as you like till you like the way it fits, even look up styles on the internet for ideas how to shape it. dome the longer edge out away and over your face, and bring the two bobby pins together near the top of your head and pin in. vintage look is often off to one side.




after your veil is in place it's time to adorn it. add a clip, or any hair accesorie over where the bobby pins attach to your hair. the simplest of fitting choices would be a synthetic flower. you can get a stem of almost any flower you could possibly think of. if there is room to cut leaving a few inches of a wired stem you don't even have to add a clip to hold the flower in. i like orchids and daisy like flowers the fest for this because they lay more flat to your head, which is more appealing to your face.

you can pin in bows, flowers, anything you can think of to attach to your head and change it up. i use the same veil and alter the style of my hair or what i pin on top so it looks like i always have an original hat, yet in reality it's only a few pieces i mix and match.

below are a few examples. they're just photos i happen to have on this computer, but you get the picture. the photo on the left is a black net that i just have a skeleton clip pinned on, and the one on the right is white net with a big white flower. i hope this gives you some ideas! have fun.

yippie! coloring books!

Etsy clowndollcurio

a condo buyer's rant

well crap. just crap. i feel on the verge of a panic attack. i was tired of creepy land lords, and throwing rent away every month on someone else's mortgage... so in a furry of anger one day at my land lord i started to wonder if i could stop this cycle. i called up a lender, a realtor and asked my parents if they could help me. knowing i would not be able to buy right now with out their help since i do not have a down payment saved. my mom gave me a little money early on, but turns out it costs a lot just to get close to closing. i'm not 2 weeks out, 2 weeks and my lender still hasn't approved the load that was pre-approved a month before i even put in an offer. i was pre-approved for $130,000, and this place i am in love with trying to buy is $45,000 almost a third of my pre-approved loan so why is this proving to be so difficult? it's just breaking my heart that this condo in a converted mansion with a history from prohibition has fallen to disrepair. no one care's for it. to the bank that currently owns the vacant unit, it's just a forgotten minor pebble in their shoe. it's not personal to them, not a home to them, and it's even less important to the listing agent. it's a small loan payment i have proven time and time again that i can pay it every month and i am a rather stable buyer, so it just feels ridiculous that it is causing so much effort for something that no one else cares about. i want this place, it's my place, it's my home, it's perfect for me, so why can't everyone just be practical and look at what is really there and pull their shit together and lets close on this condo. it needs work, it hasn't seen love in some time, and i want the keys so i can get in there to start working on making it a home. fix it up, it needs it, and i want to do it. it's just breaking my heart that it's lost just out there, and i want it so, and i can't just take care of it. i want to fix it, i want to make it a home, i want to give it love, i want to be apart of the hoa in this historic home and help preserve it, so why is everyone making it so difficult for me with good intentions to buy this place? normally it would just go to an investor and it would become a rental property and that's not good for anyone in the building and renters generally just trash places, so come on, i want my place.

post halloween.

it's all over. halloween is done for another year... or is it?
halloween is everyday... at least in my world. however, with halloween over that means, all those seasonal halloween stores will be on clearance, just in time for me to gather new stuff for my new condo i plan to be closing on in just over two weeks!
last night i just hung out with family and barrowed the baby, lily, my cousin's daughter. i took here trick'r treating for her first time, at age 13 months. what a cute little black cat she made.the above is a photo of my little brother trying to stabalise lily so we coudl try to get a photo of her in costume for her mom. we made it to 4 whole houses, she just stared with wide eyes, silent as the night for those four houses, a candy clutched in each hand. she tried to double up on the candy she was holding and held a wrapped kit-kat to her mouth. when we got home, prying the candies from her hands we found she managed to chew a hole in the wrapper and was eating the sugary innards. close to sleep? not by a long shot, she just wanted to play, and play and then play. finally she was entertained with an empty box for quit some time and then grabbed her bottle and made motion to pick her up. i laid her to my left side, on my arm and she drank her bottle a few minutes before putting it on her chest with her arms wrapped around it and went to sleep. so cute. while i hope to have a kid someday, it's fun just to barrow one for a little and then give it back.
happy halloween.